“He drives me insane, doc. There’s this insanity within me that wouldn’t let go. I obsess over him.”
Why do you do it?
“At first I thought I loved him. So he belongs to only me. And then I started thinking that it isn’t fair he gets to love another. Why wasn’t it me? Why didn’t he see me instead? I gave him my all.”
Is that what love is for you?
“Maybe. Doc, I’m not a roses and flowers kind of gal. I’m the kind that prefers the kink and sin that can’t be seen in the day.”
What do you love about him?
“Everything or maybe nothing. I don’t really know. All my mind tells me is that he’s mine, so he only gets to be with me.”
Don’t you believe that sometimes you need to let go?
“Let go? Sounds so easy, don’t you think? People say that when it isn’t working let go. Just like he did. But what about me? What about the girl who gets left behind, just stuck at that point in time? What happens to her? You know, doc, nobody considers her. Nobody walks into her dark world full of desires for the love she thought there was. Nobody remembers her, they just think it’s over … it’s history. But doc, I’m stuck. Stuck at the point when there was an us.”
Why do you still stay there? Why hold on to it even when you know it isn’t worth it?
“Doctors like you would say it’s obsession. But I call it desire. I love him. So deeply that it goes beyond compulsion. My love binds to think of the time when he was mine. My mind creates a world in which he’s mine and so I get irrational when I see another touch him. Madness plays in my mind. Why should I be the one to let go? Why can’t it be her? What can’t she return what was mine first?”
And if he doesn’t love you?
“He loved me once, he adored me once. Can’t we go back there?”