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Love and Patience

It’s been six years now, yet I can’t say if I really loved him. If I did, why didn’t I stay with him? Why didn’t I give him the time he requested for? Why didn’t I try hard in finding out what his problems actually were? If I didn’t love him, why then do I regret?
He was my boyfriend for two years; we met at Matilda’s birthday party (my best friend). He was her boyfriend’s best friend. It was love at first sight for us.

He asked me out a month later, it was funny because I thought we were already dating. I’ve always been afraid of a one-sided love so I tried to blind myself at some things, I did the calling, the coming over, everything, he took me out only when I asked. He seemed to be absent-minded always.
On several occasions, I had called only for me to find out that he was on another call. When I ask him who was on the line I always got this look that made me feel foolish. I was mad, I mean who does that? When I brought up discussions his response was always as if he was going to be charged for each word he said. I mean I didn’t even know a single thing about him.

I’ve on several occasions complained to Matilda’s boyfriend, what did I get? “See you just have to be patient.”

I didn’t even understand. I was fed up already. Two years of dating yet there was nothing to show for it, no plans, nothing at all.

I won’t in a hurry forget the afternoon I broke up with him. I won’t forget how he kept on begging and crying like his life depended on me accepting him. How he begged me to give him time. Time again? I was really scared to my marrow because I didn’t see it coming. Why was he begging? What was that thing holding him down that he couldn’t share to me?

Later I’ll regret not asking this question earlier. I deleted his contact after I left his apartment. That was brutal, yes,, but I’m not in the mood for judgements now.

It’s been six good years now. I ran into Matilda’s boyfriend at the supermarket today and we got talking. I guess I really messed up.

“He killed himself after you broke up with him, too bad that guy really loved you. He had problems and he didn’t want to involve you. He was suffering from depression. You were the only reason he hadn’t lost his sanity.”

I wanted to ask about the times he was always on the phone before he came again. “Have you taken time to ask about his background?”

I feel guilty now realizing how much I messed up. I complained about him not giving me attention, not knowing he needed the attention I sought. He was always on the phone, but the only thing I did was to ask who he was on call with to know if he was cheating.
I wish I had given him the attention I wanted, the time he requested.

I wish I wasn’t selfish.

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