I know so many people would be angry with me for the way I just addressed you, but truthfully, I don’t care. Yes, I don’t. And I also know that I shouldn’t be talking to you, nor after what you did to me, but I decided to talk to you nonetheless to tell you how much you’ve hurt me.
I’ve heard so many people—Christians most especially—tell me that I shouldn’t ask you questions, that you know what is best for us all. But I will still ask you some questions, at least till my questions prick you to the point of providing answers to them.
So I ask again, God why did you chose me of all people to break her heart? Why did you decide to take away the only source of happiness I’ve ever known? You could have taken anyone else, why did it have to be him?
Maybe the reason you’re not giving me answers is because I’m not being specific enough. So let me tell you what he meant to me.
We have been together for six years now, from the first time I came into secondary school, to the time I left, we were together. He was the apple of my eyes, my best friend, my confidant, my protector, my lover. We did everything together, and I knew that we were meant for each other. Even everyone in the school, including the teachers already saw us as a future married couple.
I can still remember the day we were preparing for a tough inter school competition. He had come to my house so we could prepare together. I still remember how we tackled questions upon questions till we were sure that no one amongst all the students that would be there for the competition would be able to challenge us. I’d stared at him for the larger part of our study, wondering what it would be like to touch him and have him touch me, to snuggle into his powerful, muscled arms, to have his lips on mine as he kissed me the way the men kissed in the romance novels I read.
As I was lost in my imaginations, I didn’t know when my left hand crept close to his and held it, stroking it, and perhaps doing what I imagined to it. He had turned and fixed me with a stare I couldn’t understand, his eyes had darkened and a variety of emotions displayed on his face.
Then as if he’d read my mind, he held my head and brought his lips crashing down on mine. It was the best feeling I’ve ever had as his mouth worked on mine, to make the butterflies in my stomach to flutter in anticipation of what was to follow.
But just as suddenly as he started the kiss, he ended it, apologising profusely for what I’d enjoyed and wanted to continue. I held his hands, turned his face towards me, and had assured him that I loved our first kiss, that I would want it to continue, but he had said no, that what we did was wrong. He then added that it would never happen again.
Tell me God, how was what we did wrong? We had feelings for each other, no, we loved each other, so how was acting on what you felt wrong? Tell me!
Anyway, I guess you won’t answer this too as none of my previous questions have been answered.
So as I was saying… The next day, he avoided me as much as he could throughout the competition, and due to the stress of that day, I didn’t take it to mean anything. It was when his attitude continued that I knew what he was doing and had approached him about it.
“Why have you been avoiding me, Uche?” I’d asked him one day as we were going home after school.
“I… I… I just want us to avoid the kind of temptation we nearly fell into the other day,” came his reply.
“Temptation? We kissed, yeah, but I know you wanted to do it, I felt it in your kiss. So how was that wrong?”
“What’s the problem with me, Uche? Am I not beautiful enough for you? Do you like another girl? Is it Jennifer?”
“No, no, it’s not any of those reasons,” he said.
“I want to be a priest, Amara,” he blurted out.
That was how I found out that the person I’d been in love with for six years had been planning to go into the seminary school after our WAEC exams. I had been too shocked to say anything. And it didn’t help that some students had heard him say that. In their minds, they would be laughing at me for being in love with a future priest.
After that confrontation with him, our relationship became strained; and although I tried to kill my feelings for him since he wanted to ‘go into the Lord’s vineyard’, it was impossible to do so. The last time I saw him was during our send forth party. On that day, he had been extra caring, perhaps trying to make up for the way he’d avoided me throughout our exams. We’d taken so many pictures, one of which I hold in my hands as I’m talking to you.
I still ask, why did it have to me? why did it have to be him? You have thousands, if not millions of priests, why weren’t they enough for you? You just had to take this one person that I found love in?
Maybe you would answer me personally, maybe you would tell one of your ministers to do the job in your stead, but if it’s going to be one of them that would answer my questions, kindly tell them not to give me the phrase that “God gives and God takes,” because truthfully it won’t solve anything.
Yours in sorrow,