I’m Coming Home

The new seminarian was hot and sexy. I know I’m not supposed to say it, but it was obvious that all the girls wanted a slice of him. His lips were sensual, and something somewhere told me his kisses could be orgasmic. Stop thinking of his lips, I tried to caution myself.

Hi, I’m Tonka and I think I’m lusting over the new hot seminarian. His name is Cain. I live in a small village where everyone knows everyone and everything that went on. And I’ll be seventeen in a month’s time. I’ve never had a boyfriend before—not that I wasn’t beautiful or curvy, but because everyone saw me as a church girl. You can’t imagine how frustrating it is to see my fellow girls with their boyfriends cuddling and laughing, and all I can do is just wrap myself around my pillow and pretend he’s my boyfriend. Its not really easy to be a church girl.

The first day Cain came over to my family house for a visit, I was putting on a red gown and the buttons were unattended to and I didn’t realize it till his eyes lingered a little longer on the fair opening. I didn’t try to button up immediately because I didn’t want to look awkward and something in me liked the way he looked at it. He left that day after collecting my number. I didn’t see anything wrong in giving him my number since we would be working hand in hand in teaching the children catechism. But that night he called and we discussed for a very long time and I felt really happy.

The day he asked me out, I did something I had never done. I said yes without thinking of the repercussions. He said, “Ton, I love you and I want you to be my girlfriend.”

He did not go through the boring clichés most guys used. He was precise and straight, and I said yes immediately. I didn’t go through the procedures of ‘I’ll think about it’ and flirting a little before finally giving the answer, I just said yes.

Immediately I said yes, he screamed and I could feel the happiness from my phone, and it was then he started using the boring clichés of promising me heaven and earth. Our discussion that day was the longest and that day I slept happily because I now had a boyfriend, even though I knew that it would be a secret.

I knew I loved him, but I wasn’t so sure if he loved me one bit. We did the things lovers did, but deep down inside me, I just knew that things were not right. I couldn’t tell my friends because they would see me as disgusting, and they might tell my mom, and it would be detrimental to the both of us. He taught me a lot of things my brothers would never teach me, and as a good student I opened up myself to learn. And we seemed happy till the day I saw him on his bed with another girl.

To another person, it seemed innocent, but to me, all I saw was the neat bedsheets which was ironical. Another day I saw him taking off a leaf from a girls hair and the way he did it was suspicious, every part of me wanted to drag out his hands from her hair, but as a church girl, I didn’t wanted to risk my reputation, so I went to him and told him the priest wanted to see him. We went together and I laid my heart to him.

He just smiled and told me, “Sweetheart, don’t worry, I would never break your heart.”

He looked around and kissed me fully on my lips and the kiss did the magic, I forgave him instantly.

“I can’t go on with this relationship,” I told him over the phone. It took me over three months to say it. I still love, him but the relationship was unhealthy for both of us, the secrecy and the suspense was disheartening. I needed to leave badly.

“Why are you selfish and stone hearted?”

I paused. Where was this coming from? So I said, “Cain, you know I’m not like that. You just need to understan.”

“So you you want me to understand that I’m not good enough for you? Or is it because I’m a seminarian? I’ve told you that I’m not yet a priest. So why do you want to torment me? Do you still love me?”

I had to think. If I said yes, he would convince me to stay back. So I said, “No, I don’t. And have never loved you. I just needed the experience and I’m bored of this experience. I need to move on.”

After few seconds, he said, “Okay.”

Two weeks later, I heard he was thrown out of the seminary school. I really felt bad. I called him and he told me that it was my fault; that I was a distraction to him and he couldn’t concentrate, and I should never call him. I really wanted to sympathize with him and accept him, but I knew it still won’t change anything. So I said my sorry and hung up.

Two months later, I got the biggest blow of my life. I heard that he was a father. At first I was happy that he got back to his vocation, until I realized that the vocation was not as a reverend father, but as a daddy. Till date I still don’t know what to feel for him, but I’m coming home to think about what I really want to do with myself, instead of pretending to be a church girl.

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