Sweetness in the Stress

Sweetness in the stress
Everywhere was boisterous
But she knew she was in control

Poppa made me understand that
I am what I think and say I am
Just like God
“I am what I am”

I am not what my my environment says I am
I am not what others says I am
I am no longer that girl that once believed the lie that she wasn’t enough
Not good enough

Yes the other day, no! I think is already a year now
He told me I was too fat
He told me my hair was so rough
Not like his ex’s smooth and long hair
Mine was not dark, like a brown thinly circled mud
The more I brushed it the more it circled back in shape

I had to borrow the white man’s oil
robbed it on my hair
Looked into the mirror
I guess is better now

The morning of that day
I had taken my bath
I sang all through my dressing time
Maybe because of the excitement that
For once he would look into my eyes
And tell me how beautiful I was.

My eyes never left the mirror
I couldn’t stop touching my hair
At last I’m going to make the LOML happy
I wore my elder sister’s jacket
I think I need to wear something new, different from my old clothes
I thought

Ya! he sure will know today that I am
More than his ex and I am able to make
Him happy
I couldn’t quite smiling


Knock knock
Already at his door

I didn’t hear a sound
I knocked four more times
No sound, not like the house was too big
That you won’t notice

Well I have my own spare key. I knew I had fought with him just to have a spare

I opened the door
He was actually there
Right on the sofa
He was bare from up
The boxer he wore I had bought for him
Don’t call me stupid I was so in love

“I was knocking baby,” I said
He stood, dropping the picture he had in his hand

O yes I knew it was his ex’s picture
After all, this is not his first time
Yes I know he still loves her

Everyday I saw myself in a competition with memory
I had to even inquire from this memory
To her is nothing, not even a memory

I call him stupid but what about me?
The same way I love and care for him
Is the same way he loved and cared for her
I know I have hope that
Maybe he will reciprocate some day
But if he has a hope
Then my hope is hopeless

I am more stupid
Because I took a lot of pain,
From rejection to ignoring
I was disgraced, embarrassed
Mistreated, insulted, compared and assaulted.

Even that day,
If only he knew the pain I went through
been through

But no!
He doesn’t care he looked at my hair
Chukled and walked away
Not again

I had learnt how to cook his favorite dish
I never liked football but I saw myself wearing jersey of his team and cheering
I’ve slept over countless times

He seemed satisfied sometimes, but the look in his eyes kept telling me to keep trying hard

He never said those words to me

I was ready to become who he wanted
I could change, I could do better, I could even buy a long hair, I could be more, just only if he can give me a chance

There wasn’t any problem with me
But I got lost in trying to become who he wanted
And that was a problem
I didn’t have my own life anymore

The broken man made me broken
I thought so hard
Was leaving the best option?
Everyday I thought so but maybe I could give it another try
The more I waited the more broken I got.

Jiejie who’s jacket I had worn
Ya she found out
She advised I let go
She told me I was beyond beautiful and enviable
But no!
I belive those words no more
I had gotten a totally different perspective of me

Step by step
Even my future was at risk
I knew it was the right time to leave but
Just like everyone else
I pursue what runs away from me
And run away from what pursues me.

When can I have my sense back
Yes I’ve lost it?
Trying to please him
I’ve lost myself
I thought I was in control
Now I’ve lost control
So much bitterness in the stress

Poppa’s words
I find no more
Who am I?
I know no more.

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