How are you? To be honest, I shouldn’t be asking you this, as it would be hypocrisy on my part, but I still need to ask. How are you?
I’m feeling guilty as hell today. As I rightly should too. I’m feeling guilty as hell as I write this because yesterday you cried in my presence; kneeling, holding onto my dress as you begged me not to leave, but I had to. Because I was done pretending to be who I am not.
It was time to follow my heart and it wasn’t pointing in your direction.
Remember when you asked the name of the guy, your supposed male rival and I told you it was actually a female? You burst out laughing and told me to give you a break. You thought it a cheap joke but it’s as real as reality itself.
I’ve known since age twelve that I was not heterosexual. Since the first day I met my cousin’s friend, Ada, I knew. She dazzled me and when she spoke, I sat there hearing only the melodious tunes of her voice and watching the movement of her lips, wondering how it would feel to have our lips entangle together like those in our favourite Mexico telenovellas. There were fireworks in the sky when she looked at me and I wanted so badly to wink at her, to blow her a kiss, to do anything to show her that I wanted her.
When her hands brushed against mine accidentally as she reached for a glass of water, it sent chills down my spine, it left me shivering even in the hot weather. When she lapped me in the bus on our way to the Easter holiday camp, I snuggled against her bosom and wished that she would be mine.
Just the way I felt when I peeped through the crack in the bathroom while she bathed and sang.
My knees almost gave way at the sudden weakness that engulfed me and I felt a fiery thumping between my legs. It was strange, yet beautiful.
I also knew Jaachi, that my dad would have my head if I make that known, so I’ve completely tried to hidden my identity all this while. I knew that I couldn’t bring shame to my clergy father, so I played the good daughter because I didn’t want to end up the bad one.
I’ve forced myself to look the other way. You want to know why none of my relationships have ever worked out. Here it is Jaachi, I’m a lesbian.
And it was as natural as the feelings you confessed you had for me yesterday evening.
At first, I was disgusted with myself for having the feelings for a fellow woman, I tried dating men but it was fruitless. You know the woeful tales of my relationships.
I’m not hiding anymore Jaachi. Not anymore.
I’ve met her. The perfect one. The one whose voice dictates my dream. She taught me to love myself, to discard all pretences and be me.
She loves me. And I do love her.
You threatened to pull the plug and end your life, would you do so now when I tell you that the prince of my dreams is a female? Will you stab and starve yourself of life when you finally find out that she is Chioma, your twin sister?