A Powerful Weakness



Ten thousand years of years of searching and still no sign of her.

And it’s not like I haven’t made any attempts at finding her; I mean, where else would I look? It’s as if she completely vanished from the universe, not just the earth. Because if she were in this world, definitely, I would have seen her. But as things stand now, I just had one more clue to try out; after that, I would give up hope of ever loving someone.

To say the truth, it’s actually been six years, not ten thousand. But believe me, every second of those years had felt like ages; every creeping, grueling second was spent searching for someone who stole my heart six years ago.

You might be guessing why I’m starting this way. Well, I never wanted to tell this story, but I was advised to do so, in hopes that she might come across it. And who knows? Maybe she had also been looking for me. Please, also help me and tell this story; maybe, together, we can find her.

Six years! And not one memory of her blurred or clouded over by events that later happened in my life. I love her very much. She’s my Holy Grail.

I fell in love with her in my Primary Six (yeah, I know, it’s childish. And you might just be tempted to dismiss this as one childish infatuation thingy, but before you conclude, hear me out). We were classmates then; we even sat on the same long seat. Even then, while I was still twelve, she was the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And she still is. She was very fair, and smallish. She had a tenor voice, but had a soul-thrilling laughter. She had a pointed nose with big nostrils, but her eyes could make you forget you were in this world. She was the girl that my heart flutter for the first and last time.

She was Chinaza.

During our time together as classmates, I had a difficult time letting her know about the little vibrations of love stirring in my heart. Also, around that time, all my friends were ‘involved’ with one person or the other. So I felt that was the perfect opportunity to declare my feelings. But whenever I had the moment to do so, I seemed to lose all courage.

I knew that I didn’t have much time—we would be graduating soon; so I tried my best—I wrote her a letter (more specifically, a note), with the words:

I love you, Chinaza.

And slotted it inside her bag. When she discovered it, I was more concerned about what her reaction would be, that I paid no attention to what she actually replied me. And thus, I had no clue about what she actually felt. Three months later, on the 18th of July, 2008, we graduated from primary school, and lost all contact with each other.

I spent the next six years, the six years of my secondary school, searching for her. She overshadowed most of my actions then; from the fact that I started going to external competitions, to my having social media accounts, to making numerous friends, all of these were in a bid to find her again. It got to a point that my friends began getting pissed off—you wouldn’t blame them, would you? I hardly talked for ten minutes without mentioning Chinaza, so I guess they had the right to be angry. Some even went as far as to try to hook me up with other girls in hopes that I would have my mind off her.

To this idea, I didn’t agree with at first. But then, after four years without any whiff of where she was, I decided to try other girls out. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, I could forget her, or in the very least, move on. Moreover, it wasn’t as if she was also trying as hard to look for me.

But I wasn’t lucky. I couldn’t forget her. Instead, I ended up making enemies with the girls I dated. I couldn’t love them the way they wanted, and they always perpetually appeared to be in the shadow of Chinaza. One even went as far as to offer me sex, in hopes that I would love her the more. I had sex with her, yet I was fixed on the one girl I’ve always loved.

So, here I am, six years later, with just one last chance to find her. And should this not work, then I would finally conclude that she was never real, all in all, she had been a figment of my imagination. I was going to look for her mother’s number. I had a friend who would send the number to me. But first, I had to buy her a birthday gift for her to give me the all-important number.

After I had given her the gift, I got the number, and dialed it. I made the necessary introductions, and when I asked for her daughter, Chinaza, you wouldn’t believe what I heard. It was something that made me to totally lose hope that I would ever love again; I felt the core of my being shattered to pieces.

Her mother had said, “I’m sorry my dear. My daughter Chinaza, died two months ago while giving birth to her first child."

What do I do next? All these years, while looking for her, I had never for once entertained the idea that she might be dead. I had always joked within myself that maybe she was no longer in this world, little did I know that the joke was more of the truth than a mere pun. Now I have to live in a world where she no longer existed.

As I drop my pen, I keep on wondering, will I ever love again? Someone had said that I would love again, since I was a young man, but does that really matter?

What do you think?

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8 Comments

  1. sure ull love again if you're willing to forget the past

    nice write up

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  2. You will find someone more amazing than her if you give yourself chance to love again. Just try and u won't regret it.

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  3. Love is powerful and even when u try to forget, your heart gets the better part of you. That's why its a weakness. Its a weakness than no one can resist once it's genuine. Try to move on.

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  4. Seriously it won't be that easy....but one has to move on, the future is always bright.

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