The Admission

I asked you who he was, you told me he was no one.

Well, now I know that no one can become someone. You told me you didn't want to hurt me, now you did. You could've saved us both the trouble by telling me off at first.

But no, you wanted us both. Me for the looks/money and he for the love. Ohh what wouldn't I give for you to be fully mine again.

I gave you time to change, I gave you chances. I played dumb just so you could see that I'm for real. This thing you had with him went on for too long.

You wanna know how I felt Thursday the 12th when you came home scenting of wood musk and Arabian oud, scenting of him!

Love was all that kept me from driving a knife into that pretty little lovely face of yours. I cried that night, not from the realisation that you betrayed me, but that you didn't wanna hide it.

I meant nothing no more! You turned your back to me and I looked over your figure, three inches between us felt like a million miles, even in your sleep I could see the tautness of your muscles just so you wouldn't touch me.

I'm vermin. I'm not enough. I'm not him! Right?

So in the middle of the night when you reached out for me (most probably imagining I was him) I took away your pain and gave you comfort.

I never laid a blame on you, to me you were the full breath of air that I never deserved. My world was you and your smile was rain on a sunny day to me. Days didn't look so bleak and it seemed like Sunday was common. You were my rest, you were my home.

So I went to the bathroom with only one question in my head, "what does he have/give you that I haven't/didn't?"

We had the perfect life! You were my queen and I wanted the world for you. Time was all I needed. You ruined us and it hurts me that I can do nothing about it.

I was okay with being the second lover because I'd have you anyway I could get you, just so you wouldn't leave me. And yet you would... yeah I saw the text!

Still images of you entwined with him destroyed my sanity and haunted my nights but I held you when he broke your heart. I, the one who you claimed to love.

What's love to you? What is? Is it the cold kisses you mete out on me each morning like a chore? Is it the twinkle I see vanish from your eyes each time you look at me?

Is it the way you recoil from my touch like I'm vermin? The crazy part of it all is that I still love you, weird as it seems I do. I wanna hurt you so bad, just so you feel what I felt.

But I do nothing, looking at myself in the mirror at 2am. I wipe my face, and walk out into the bedroom.

I kneel by your side of the bed, I tuck the stray to get a view of your heavenly face, I kiss the side of your face and tell you I love you hoping you don't recoil from me.

You open your eyes, realise it's me and they go cold, staring blankly into mine, I smile and you smile too, only yours don't reach your eyes.

And it's then I ask you, " What am I to you?"
You look me dead in the eye, your eyes filling with tears, as you realise this is when you make a choice, me or him!

You start to plead but I hold you and tell you not to, I just need the truth. Although my heart screams and begs for you to choose me, I know the answer, I just need you to say it. Say it!

" You were an affair, please!"

I don't expect the tears as they sting my eyes, I felt my soul drop and I go cold but I feel warm. I let you go cause that's the only way I can keep my sanity. I let you go!

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